I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize