Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
