Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
