I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My friends, they love my intelligence
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
