maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
