I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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