I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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