allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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