There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
