Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
