I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
