i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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