Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
