Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
