My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
