My room smells like vodka and shame
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
