I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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