I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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