anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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