We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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