I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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