My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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