after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Your penis caused this!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
