Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
