you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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