im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
