textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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