i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
