Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
two words: eviction party
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I need water and some morals
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
