I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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