I accidentally had phone sex last night
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
