Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
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some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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