And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
