He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
