The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
time to smoke my breakfast
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
how does that bad decision feel?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
