Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
