that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
