Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
