I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
