maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
