what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
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I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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