This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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