Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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