just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
