god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
