It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
