I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
