Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
