Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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