Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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