if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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