Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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