screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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