I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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