All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
