giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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