who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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