Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
