well you can't waste a boner
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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